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Another Pivot

As we are on the precipice of a major pivot, I am reminded; I have had five major pivots in my life and the sixth pivot is calling my name. Those pivots have been ontological and structural as well as emotional.

The first was my stepmother.  As an out of control (I am certain an ADHD) child/adolescent I was untethered and she offered love, guidance and a fresh start. I made a mess out of my educational life and she found a college in Florence that offered up a new beginning and a repertory company, and most importantly, the Dean (Dr. Adamany).

The second pivot being Dr. Adamany. Dr. Adamany was Lebanese; he did all his undergraduate work and advanced degrees at the University of Chicago. His Ph.D was in English literature and more specifically, Shakespeare. After seeing me act in “Long Day's Journey into the Night” he told me to stop acting and to study with him. Even at the worst of times I have always love to read. He formalized that love and gave me direction, he was my mentor and my first real loss. He died of cancer a year after I left Florence and had returned back to NYC. If I look at this in more metaphysical terms, he died of a broken heart. Attempting to do a gracious deed for my academic future he was betrayed by his colleagues who had always been jealous of his spirit. But that’s a longer story…

The next pivot was when I was approaching twenty-nine and was once again out of control; in the throes of a divorce and being a particularly narcissistic father to my two-year-old baby girl. I was supposed to do a movie but instead ended up in a motivational seminar where I was up to my old tricks of seduction and destruction. Tracy Goss, a brilliant seminar leader/educator/critical thinker was running the seminar and called me out in front of 250 people. She said to me, “You’re at a decisive moment and you have a choice to continue being an asshole or change the direction you are going.” I studied and trained with her for years and it was there I found my calling and my life’s work.

The fourth pivot was when I met Jen (my wife). Once again I was in the throes of destruction and coming out of my second marriage. I met an angel who had the capacity to chew-up my poisonous ways and yet still become more beautiful and pure. I was confronted with issues and traumas that I had been running away from all my life.

The fifth has been my children. Finding the importance of Character over Reputation, Integrity over Charm, and Parenting over Entitlement.

The sixth pivot is in its infancy: Surrender. The giving up of control, understanding where I have nothing to say but much to listen to and truly letting go. I see my life in pivots and I see my life in the people who have given so much to me. There is no intrinsic right for someone to contribute their time, love and money to another's life.  It is an existential act of love. There are many more people and many more conversations that have changed the course of my life- too many to mention. I am grateful and I am humbled by the love and generosity of others.



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