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As I look back and I look forward, I am both heartbroken and grateful for my life. I have come to a better understanding of my anxiety and its many changes.  For the longest time, I have been trying to make sense out of all the conflicting backwash, more trying to get to calmer waters. There is only the sea, with me bobbing up and down on the swells. Life is difficult on any terms, but if you throw yourself into it head-on, you are going feel everything, all the time. The joys, the sorrows, the laughter, the play the heartbreak, the hopes; you will feel all of it. I don’t know if we are equipped to live like that, if it is our natural design; but I have come to understand I have no choice. I might have something to say about how I experience the surges, but I understand I have nothing to say about how or when they come.

I am getting older; like so many of us, I just never thought that would happen. When I look around, there seems to be people who are more comfortable with that transition, like a good suit that fits well. I am not that comfortable, maybe it’s because I still have my hair. What I do embrace about getting older is my heart is full, I feel more gratitude and connection to those I know and love and to those I don’t know and love.

From the beginning of my life, I have been trying to be MORE. More of everything; that has manifested in arrogance, hyperbole, lies, entitlement, competition, putting others down. As I get older, it manifests more in where I feel limited in my ability to protect and provide. The issue has never changed, only how it moves through the world.

Understanding your contribution in the world is part of being grateful. Grateful for what you are and what you are not.
Some people’s contribution is money; they make a lot or inherit a lot, so they can impact other’s lives financially.
Some people’s contribution is resources; they have the ability to provide opportunity for others.
Some people’s contribution is skill; they have skills that the world and people in the world benefit from.
Some people have talents, and that enhances other’s lives.
I am still in the process of discovering mine and mostly I let others determine if and how I have contributed to them.

 The generosity and love that is given to me on a daily basis is beyond understanding. It is beyond deserving and it is beyond me. But I am forever grateful.


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