IDENTITY is a way you want to be seen or r how you do not want to be seen. I want to be seen as Talented, not Lucky. I want to be seen as Smart, not Stupid. I want to be seen as THE MAN, not Limp. We all have multiple IDENTITIES- meaning ways we want to be seen. If one is living a life of self-examination, these IDENTITIES come out of the ethers and make themselves known in order to dismantle these solipsistic needs for the possibility of liberation.
I had a conversation yesterday with my wife that came at me point-blank and shattered an IDENTITY of mine that has been feral for a very long time.
I got into a skirmish, a heated exchange, with my 17 year-old daughter yesterday. I say skirmish as to give some semblance of hierarchy to the battles we have had.
She was speaking to her mother about something and I overheard it because I was sitting in the room where it took place.
I decided to add my critical observation.
“This is not your conversation, you’re not invited…” My daughter said,
“I am allowed to weigh in and say anything I want” I said.
I said it in a harsh cutting way.
She cried and left the room. I felt bad. My wife was cold. My 19 year-old son was amused.
This has been an ongoing problem, my childish reactions. After a few minutes I went up to my wife’s office. She was busy on her computer and didn’t look up. I knew that behavior all too well.
“What do you want?” She said
“I want you to be on my side, supporting what I said, she’s being rude,”
She looked up.
“You’re a child. You act the same way every time,” she said. “You’re not teaching her anything.”
That’s true, indisputably true. I know this-I have not been able to reign in my reactions, no matter how many times this has happened.
Jen pointed out how well I take care of the family financially and how I am so responsive to the family’s needs but no one feels emotionally safe.
“Hell, two out of three aint bad,” I said.
She didn’t laugh.
She basically said stop trying to provide something that is way too difficult for you- It might make it easier on all of us.
I then realized that I had an IDENTITY of a need to be seen as emotionally protective, that was the most important thing to me. I did a quick retrospective of all my aggressive reactions when that was not acknowledged, said, appreciated.
Jen delivered that information not as an indictment but as a description/prescription.
I felt sick and relieved.
As useful as the revelation and then the subsequent behavioral retrospective is, it’s not easy to scrutinize all the bad behavior and mistakes I have made over the years.
There’s been a certain comfort in staying ignorant, arguing for justification and entitled dismissal of anything that put me in the crosshairs.
The repetitive question that’s really marked “No Exit” and has no answer, ”Has my behavior left a permanent stain on my kids.”