Journaling

It’s amazing how inspired and inspiring some people are, how despondent others seem to be and then there’s the middle group who just seem to be getting through. Of course there are nuances and human variations inside of these three generic conditions but it’s a place to start.
I used to jump out of bed very much like a puppy wanting to play. I don’t jump anymore; I more unfurl and
contemplate if I am going to get out of bed. It’s funny that I even indulge that contemplation because I know I will, I mean I always have. It all feels effortful, limp and so desperate to look for a reason for this malaise but there are just too many reasons. I used to be a light, a beacon. I even looked like a light -but now I feel like more strips of grey.
 I have fantasies of disappearing but that seems redundant, as I already question my relevance. I am doing mostly daily meditation-mostly breath work as that seems to be the only time that my breathing isn’t shallow. I should look into it but why? I will just have a more comprehensive explanation of why I am fucked up. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong in my life, quite the opposite. On paper it all looks quite blessed, it’s just the emotional resume is quite different from the empirical data.
I am not depressed but I know I can be depressing; I have been told, apparently, I need too much validation but really what does some 17-year-old kid know, I mean come on?
In talking to many parents, we all seem so concerned about our kids and what the future holds for them. We as parents are doing our best to forecast the right path-the right direction so their time is spent in worthy pursuits. If the Pandemic has taught us anything, what was relevant and valuable became obsolete and what seemed random found its way into mainstream culture. Our lack of what we can control is becoming increasingly more obvious-simply by the evidence of collective manic screaming that’s taking place. Beckett and Pinter somehow don’t seem that absurd anymore. What’s a person to do?
I remember as a seven-year-old watching The Lone Ranger on our Black and white TV. Tonto The Lone Ranger’s trusted Native American partner would dismount from his horse and put his ear to the ground and hear the pounding of the posse and determine how far away the bad guys were. That’s what there is to do-you must be able to read the signs-enlist reflection from credible sources-hear what’s not being said but clearly spoken, and put your ear to the ground.