Longing

Learning from the past, standing in the present and pointing to the future….The trifecta of optimal human development.
We live in conclusions and extremes where low to medium to high grade threats are as familiar as one’s morning coffee.
It makes it difficult to learn- to regale- to plan and any of these would be optimum but to balance all three-that’s a circus act. I am caught somewhere between longing for what was, wondering what is and concerned about what is coming. It’s hard to find balance when being off-balance is more of a regular thing.
Strange, with all this dubiety and awkwardness, that my heart is full and I long to stay alive more than ever before. Is it because with three kids I have more to live for more? Of wanting to provide a secure future in an uncertain present? Is it because I have tasted my mortality in the form of a heart attack? Maybe a little bit of both.
The contradictions that life serves up seem to go down more easily as I have gotten older and the certainty that was so essential seems less necessary. I don’t feel as compelled to fight for what I clearly know nothing about. It must feel like when you are 90- that you are happy just to watch the ships pass by or to sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.
Let the young tear at the meat and fight for the scraps.